My Big Fat Gay Wedding

With the nuptials of The Artist and The Chef barely a week away, I can't help but be reminded of my big fat gay wedding. Yeah, so it didn't happen, but it was supposed to take place on April 24, 2004.

There was something symbolic or maybe just clever about 04/24/04, although if I did the numerology on it, it probably would have spelled out doom and disaster.

At any rate, the Ex and I were planning for that date. Invitation lists were starting to come together.

We were scouting out places. We really wanted the Japanese Garden at Cheekwood or possibly the Rathskeller of the Seelbach Hotel in Louisville. The Seelbach would have been perfect for the mood we wanted to convey.

As the first priority of gay men, we had selected the appropriate outfits - black suits with matching purple neckties. White tulips were the flowers of choice. Attendants were lined up - Hotass was mine, and his brother was his. I was looking into the getaway car - a classic 1930s convertible. The invitations were designed in purple, white and black Art Deco design. A year out, he gave me a couple of books about gay and non-traditional weddings for Easter.

And I was most excited about the music because it really does set the tone for the ceremony, doesn't it?

While people gathered, we had agreed on a collection of jazz vocal standards to keep with the mid-century feel of the day - "L-O-V-E" by Nat King Cole, "It Had to Be You" by Billie Holliday, "I've Got a Crush on You" by Ella Fitzgerald, "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" also by Ella, "Can't Help Lovin' that Man" again by Ella, "Isn't It Romantic" on the trumpet by Chet Baker, "The Man I Love" again by Ms. Fitzgerald, "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.

Processional music was to be Pachelbel's "Canon in D Minor" played on guitar. At least we agreed on that.

I wanted something unconventional, something fun, for the recessional music - "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" by James Taylor and Carly Simon, "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" by Natalie Cole, "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles, or "Marry Me" by Dolly Parton.

It was a source of disagreement as you might imagine. He didn't think his mother would take kindly to the "Marry Me" lyrics that said "His momma don't like me one little bit/ But you know I don't care/ Let her pitch her hissy fit/ Cuz I ain't marrying her."

We were leaning toward Natalie Cole. How ironic. Because that love oh-so did not last.

But my reception, my reception. Well, that would have been the party of the season. And really, isn't that the reason that gay men want a wedding? Isn't it really all about the party?

The groom and the groom got the first dance - "At Last" by Etta James. And we decided on that song before Celine Dion ruined it.

Every wedding reception I've ever been to has been devastated by stupd songs like "YMCA" or "The Chicken Dance." You can count that gay weddings will never be marred by such insanity. So our wedding reception was to have tasteful music, well at least not retarded music that you hear at every reception.

Note to the Dynamic Duo - "The Chicken Dance" is a party-killer. Your friends will think you're straight. Seriously, it's not really that fun. It's stupid.

So what happened to my big fat gay wedding? Good question. I think as we got closer to the date, he got cold feet. Well more like Birdseye-frozen-food cold feet. And the conversations about the wedding became more and more infrequent. And the plans fell by the wayside, and April 24, 2004, came and went without much excitement.

We broke up a month or so later.

"Cry Me a River" - Julie London