Seven Things: Revenge of the Fortune Cookie

So you're sitting there at the Chinese buffet at House of the Golden Dragon China Panda Garden. You've had more than your fair share of Won Ton Soup, General Tso's chicken and something with snow peas, but otherwise unidentifiable. Everyone has laughed at the whore born in the Year of the Cock as determined by the paper placemats.

Your server arrives with your black plastic tray of fortune cookies. Everyone reaches for the plastic-wrapped treats, because you've heard before that it's bad luck to choose someone's fortune for them.

But doesn't the one who chooses last have his fortune chosen for him, simply by process of elimination? Or is that how the universe works? Are the ones who lunge greedily for the post-Moo-Shu-Pork taste of something sweet the same ones who should be beaten back unmercifully with sweet-and-sour-sauce-caked forks in an epic Oriental battle for the best destiny?

Or is it just a cookie? I'll leave it to Confucious to decide for sure.

Anyway, as you crack open your cookie, the greedy sons-of-bitches have already started reading their slips of paper.

"Good things are being said about you...in bed!" Riotous laughter ensues.

And everyone goes around the table, reading their fortune aloud and tacking on "in bed." Everyone smiles politely at the person whose fortune is stupid when their sexual proclivities are added on, and quickly moves on the next person, hoping for something racier.

Question for Confucious: Are our destinies and our personalities really determined by our bedroom habits? Get back to me on that, would you?

Anyway... so what happens if you take those two little words and start applying them to our favorite memes?

For example...

7 things I plan to do before I die..in bed:
1) Have sling sex.
2) Digitally record sex.
3) Zip through the Gay Kama Sutra.
4) Scream like a banshee.
5) Have a beefy, hairy, youngish farmer with a beard and in overalls plow new ground.
6) Fall asleep in farmer's arms
7) Now, that I'm older...sleep a full night without having to get up to pee.

7 things I can do...in bed:
1) Perform oral sex that's sure to please.
2) Analingus that's also sure to please.
3) Cuddle
4) Have breakfast
5) Well, God is a DJ...
6) Dream
7) Get distracted. (This was left over from Dusty's responses to the original "Seven Things," and I thought it seemed somewhat appropriate here.)

7 things I cannot do...in bed:
1) Eat a dirty ass.
2) Perform while the doberman watches.
3) Perform while the TV plays in the background, unless it's porn.
4) Sleep if it's unmade.
5) Cuddle with a 100 percent smooth man and 100 percent enjoy it.
6) Wear underwear or pajamas or anything of that nature.
7) Sleep when he's too hot. And I mean body temperature...

7 things that attract me to the same sex...in bed:
1) Thick dicks
2) Hairy chests
3) Uncut dicks
4) Facial hair
5) Good hands
6) Dark hair
7) Deep voice

7 things that I say most often... in bed:
1) Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Where is the goddamn snooze button?
2) I fuckin' hate that alarm.
3) Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Fuck, it's 4:13 in the morning.
4) Goddamn, you're burning me up.
5) Is that all there is?
6) Move a little to the left.
7) Oh, there you go.

7 people I want to do this with me...in bed. Well, they don't have to do it in bed. They can just blog about it.
1) Char
2) Virginia
3) Dusty
4) HotAss
5) Kimdog
6)The Artist
7) The Chef