What Makes a Gaggle-Gathering?

It started with a birthday party for HotAss and me, and there has been a winter solstice dinner, a Village Christmas party, a New Year's Eve party, a chocolate party for Valentine's Day, a toga party, a Memorial Day camoflage party, a Fourth of July party, a convenience story party, a South Seas pool party, Pistol Pete's Bowl-a-Rama, and finally a celebration of love. And there's a housewarming for Dusty and Bobo coming up in a few weeks. Followed by a Halloween party and then a All Hallow's Eve dinner. The social calendar tends to fill up quickly.

And there were various and sundry gatherings thrown in there. And after 11 months with the Gaggle, one begins to see certain trends.

1. The Chef will lose his clothes. The first time I ever met the Chef he was naked. And, whenever acceptable, he is the first one to strip out of his clothes or wear as little as possible.

2. The Chef will put something in his mouth. I've got at least two pictures of the big-mouthed Chef inserting something huge into his mouth. In one it's a Diet Coke can. In the other it's a big-ass cookie. Like a python, he has the uncanny ability to unhinge his jaw and devour his prey.

3. The straight girls look glamorous. I'd like to think it's the influence of gay men. But secretly I know that these girls have more fashion sense in their purse than we have in ours. And they always look radiantly beautiful.

4. I end up naked with Wanda. I won't profess to understand. It's like the Bermuda Triangle, Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster. It's been witnessed by a handful of folks, but we may never completely understand what the hell is going on.

5. HotAss gets drunk. In the 10 years I've known Hotass, I've only seen him stupid, falling-down obliterated drunk a few times. But if the gathering a classic one, HotAss is stupid, falling-down obliterated drunk.

6. Dusty pukes and Bobo gets embarrassed. To Dusty's credit, he didn't puke at the wedding. Nor was he even obviously drunk. However, I've have seen or heard about him puking his guts out after a cocktail or nine. And amazingly enough, he has it to such an art form that he can puke and walk at the same time, never missing a step. And when he pukes, you can tell that Bobo just wants to drag his spewing ass away from the light of day.

7. Buffy chases a boy. 'Nuff said.

8. Buffy and The Pink Lady cheese it up for the camera. Because they are so photogenic, or because they are camera-hogs, I have numerous pictures of the two posed together for the camera. And it's not a candid shot. It's intentional. "Here. Take our picture."

9. Movies are quoted. I don't know how we could communicate if it weren't for quoting lines from Steel Magnolias or Sordid Lives.

10. There is a costume. Whatever happened to "come as you are?" I have to plan for every gathering, ensuring that my outfit fits within the theme of the evening. Or we make t-shirts for a function. What are we? Sorority girls?

11. T-man doesn't get a joke. Let me first say that T-man is brilliant, but sometimes he's a little slow on the uptake.

12. Wanda sneaks food in a corner. Like a bulemic binging on leftovers, when Wanda disappears, you're likely to find him hunched over the cake, the chips & salsa, the grilled bratwurst, or all three. "Girl, I'm hungry."

13. I fall down. I am one of the klutziest humans on the planet, and evidently I am more of a klutz around stairs, steps, and cracks in the sidewalk.

14. More than 75% of the Gaggle are wearing a cockring. What is the fascination with rubber, metal and neoprene? And why do we all feel the need to hoist up the boys? If you ask the Gaggle who is wearing a cockring, more than three-quarters will drop their pants to show you.