Mark My Words...

Men will ruin your life.

I've been single since May, and I'm trying to decide if I like it. Actually, I do love the freedom to go and come as I please. And to date. And -- hell, let's be honest -- to even f*ck around if I want to. It's really been great since I moved to Memphis. It's been a sweet taste of freedom.

But as usual, there is a man stuck in my carry-on baggage, and try as I might to lose him, he just keeps showing up.

Just when I think I can't be any more bitter... I mean after all, during the five years that we were together, not only did I discover that he was cheating on me numerous times, it just wasn't happy times. There was always a reason that we just couldn't be happy with one another. I'm fully capable of owning up to my part of this, but the infidelity was a piece I can't quite get over.

And just when I think I can't be any more bitter...I mean, c'mon, the nasty insults that were hurled back and forth, and the cheating, and the bullshit... don't I have every reason in the world to be bitter and angry and pissed off?

And when I'm about at my total bitterness capacity...I realize I miss the mutha-fucka, and all the bitterness hasn't killed the love.

And so even though I left his sorry ass in Nashville, today, when I was there, I thought I'd try to see him -- be friendly, you know. And I want you to know that I kicked myself at every mile marker between Nashville and Memphis (that's almost 200 in case you were wondering). And I had to talk myself out of shedding a single solitary tear. And that pang of jealousy when he spoke of the guys he had been seeing (with whom it WASN'T working out -- I'll control my glee).

But, at the same time, I wanted desperately to know that he wanted me back in his life, and that he missed me and loved me. And I wanted to tell him that missed him and loved him too.

Goddammit! I just don't understand it...