Cindy Lou Who Can Kiss My Ass

So I just might be the biggest Grinch I know, and it gets worse every year.

Today, I was in the Piggly Wiggly, picking up milk, tuna fish, chicken breasts, and peanut butter. There was a constant barrage of Christmas from the moment I walked in the door.

I was greeted with the unenthusiastic frown of the Salvation Army bellringer. I can't say that I necessarily disagree with her attitude. I'd be pissed off too, standing in the cold and ringing a goddamned bell for money.

There were poinsettias and candy canes at every turn. Festive displays of cake mixes, nuts, and pork rinds. You'd have to know the Piggly Wiggly I shop at.

And the Christmas music was especially loud. At one moment, I really did feel physically ill, and I can only attribute it to Burl Ives. And a few minutes later, I was humming around to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" before I could help myself. Brenda Lee brainwashed me.

The office Christmas party is on Tuesday. And yeah, we'll play Dirty Santa, and I'll bring home another pair of M&M boxer shorts. And most of us will just keep checking our watches to see how much longer we have to tolerate our boss. And I'll keep count of how many times she says "Fabulous" and "Isn't this fun?"

I'm beginning to resent those folks who give me the shocked and sad look when I admit that I am not putting up a Christmas tree, as if my life was the worst sadness that was known only in a world that revolved around Christmas sweaters, radio stations that play Christmas music 24 hours a day starting on Thanksgiving, and red bows tied to the front of every SUV at the mall.

And I know this is precisely the reason that I have postponed my Christmas shopping. I just can't bring myself to tolerate the crowds, or my indecision, or the Christmas fantasyland where Santa charges $10 for pictures with him.

Now before you start thinking that my head isn't screwed on right, or my shoes are too tight, or the most likely reason of all...my heart is two sizes too small.

There are parts about Christmas that can warm even a small-hearted grinch like me.

Mariah Carey's version of "O Holy Night" brings me to tears every time. And Christmas gives me a good excuse to listen to The Carpenter's "Little Altar Boy" and RuPaul's Christmas Album with a kick-ass remix of "Hard Candy Christmas."

I get a kick out of making Christmas ornaments. Hotass and I saw a demonstration of how to make them years ago in Garden Ridge, and I bet I've been doing them ever since.

I love the movie "A Christmas Story."

I love laying under a beautiful decorated tree in the dark, watching the lights glow and listening to Christmas music.

And what might be the only religious bone in my body, I love going to Christmas Eve service at Christ Episcopal in Nashville or West End Methodist or Calvary Church in Memphis. And I love T-man's "And the Night Went Wild with Angels." I really do feel a closeness with God at those times.

I like that warm feeling I get when I'm around people I enjoy, and we're laughing in the kitchen, and for just a second, I smile and think that this is what Christmas is supposed to be about.

Oh my God. Did I just have a sentimental Christmas moment?

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

Pleh. I won't be carving the roast beast anytime soon.