Dude, You're Getting Screwed

I noticed that Dell has changed its tagline to "Purely You." Given the frustration I've had for the past two weeks, I'd like to change it to "Purely the Worst Customer Service Experience You'll Ever Have."

And honestly it really has surprised me. Before two weeks ago, I thought Dell was a great product and I've been a faithful customer for four years, buying cameras, computers, PDAs and blah blah blah from Dell and never really having an ounce of trouble.

But the trouble started three weeks ago when my current computer took a nosedive. I hit the power button and it refused to boot Windows. And, not really knowing what I was doing, I fucked myself by reinstalling Windows, and it seems I lost everything. So I decided it was a sign to retire the four-year-old laptop and get a new one.

I placed an order online for a new laptop with all the bells & whistles, and got the email stating that my order had been acknowledged and that I would soon get another email saying that the order would be processed. The second email never arrived.

Two days went by, and when I called to check on it, I got tangled up with not one, not two, not three but four different customer service reps who told me in their broken English the order was lost, and that I would need to place the order again. Oh wait, no it isn't lost, the last one says. It just showed up in the system and my order would be shipped within three to five days.

Last Monday, I get an automated call from UPS saying that my package would be delivered that day by 7 p.m. The package never arrived. Using the tracking number only told me that "UPS has electronically received billing information from the shipper." That was the status for more than a week, and still no laptop.

Yesterday, I became an irate customer. The first customer service rep told me that UPS had an "address issue" and returned the package to Dell, but not to worry because my account would be credited, and that if I had further questions about the "address issue" I needed to contact UPS.

UPS told me that the package was supposed to be delivered on the day they called, but they couldn't explain why it wasn't or if delivery was even attempted. I called Dell again and the second customer service rep researched and told me that UPS never received the package from Dell, and then upon further research, told me that Dell had never actually shipped the package in the first place. But I shouldn't worry because my account would be credited within 10-15 days and I could place the order again.

But wait, I said, why wasn't I notified about all this? And why can't you just go find the damn package and ship it out to me again, and forget the whole crediting my account thing?

I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

Why not? Oh because the credit is already being processed and the computer is being placed into Dell's refurbished inventory.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but don't worry, I will personally make sure you are kept apprised of the status of the credit reversal.

And that's where I basically called her a liar because Dell had done such a lousy job at keeping me notified of the status thus far.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Were you happy with the level of service I provided to you today?

The more I thought about it yesterday, the madder I got. So at Hotass' urging, I called Dell one more time last night and ended up talking to two more customer service reps who put me on hold for 2-3 minutes every other exchange so they could update my record.

Finally, Dell agreed to ship a replacement product (but I'm not sure how it could replace something I never had in the first place) and ship it overnight at their expense. Now why couldn't the first person I talked to done that, and saved me three hours of being on hold that I will never get back?

I should have my fancy-schmancy Dell Inspiron E1705 within 3-5 business days.

Assuming they don't screw me over again.

Is He Fuckable?

So the starting point in determining a guy's FDM score is to decide whether or not he's fuckable. And while you might be able to answer the question with a simple yes or no, the 10-question quiz Hotass and I developed is designed to go beyond whether or not you'd merely have sex with him. The fuckable score represents the sexual chemistry, the level of physical attraction, and how much he turns you on.

Score one point for every yes. No's get zero points.

1. Would you lick his face?
2. Would you lick his ass?
3. Would you go to his place for a 2AM booty call?
4. Is this someone with whom you could act out one of your sexual fantasies?
5. Do you like the way he looks?
6. Would you blatantly flirt with him?
7. Do you or could you think about him while you're masturbating?
8. Does he exude an undeniable sexual energy?
9. Do you "go to your dirty place" when you think about him?
10. Would you fuck him more than once?
Bonus question: Is this your ideal fuckable person? Score two points if the answer is yes.

Remember this is just the first draft. I'm open to suggestions for questions. We're still working on the quizzes to determine dateable and marryable. Stay tuned.

Your Top 5 Friends

Actually I guess the point of this meme is that I'm supposed to post it on my MySpace page, but I didn't want to. So I won't.

So in case you have a MySpace page and want to play along, here are the rules. Post the names of your top five friends, and answer the questions below. No fair changing your top five.

Number 1: Jon
Number 2: Sweet Wade
Number 3: Dusty
Number 4: Char
Number 5: Tuffy

Have you ever done anything illegal with 4? Actually, I have, but I won't tell.

Have you ever loved 5? Love might be a little strong, but I think about him a lot.

Have you ever thought about kissing 1? Yep.

Have you ever danced with 5? I don't remember it if we did.

Have you ever hugged number 2? Yes.

Have you ever gotten drunk/high with 5? Um, we drank vast quantities of alcohol.

Has 4 been to your house? Not the new one, but she's invited.

Have you ever played a sport with 3? Are you kidding?

Have you ever had an inside joke with number 2? He took to bed for three days.

Has any of your top 5 ever seen you naked? At least three of them

Have you ever taken a shower with anyone in your top 5? As a matter of fact I have.

Have you ever had a crush on number 2? No, not really.

Have you ever gone shopping with 1? He's a shopping machine.

Have you ever had a class with 3? Are you kidding? Neither one of us has class.

Have you ever seen 4 in a swimsuit? Nope

Have you ever ridden in a car with 1? Yep

Have you met 5's family? Nope

Have you ever eaten anything in front of 1? Yes, there were a couple of weekends where we had every meal together.

Have you ever hated 4? Not a chance.

Have you ever fought with number 2? No way.

Have you ever seen 3 do something embarassing? There was the time that he drank so much, he threw up. And there was the other time he drank so much, he threw up.

Has 2 ever given you a present? Yes, a gift card last year for my birthday.

Have you ever seen anyone in your top 5 cry? Nope.

Has anyone in your top 5 seen you cry? Of course. I cry every time we catch the last five minutes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Have you ever done something dangerous with number 4? Nope

Have you ever slept in the same bed as number 1? Yes, I don't like to talk about it, but he gets a kick out of embarrassing me by discussing it.

Have you had a crush on anyone on your top 5? Yep, I kinda sorta got one now.

Have you done anything illegal with number 2? I think it was a misdemeanor.