The Mating Scale

This is what happens when Hotass and I have deep philosophical conversations, and drink too much in the process.

Last night, when I should have been packing, Hotass and I went out for dinner at Young Avenue Deli (which happens to be on Young Avenue in case you're wondering)and three pints of beer. Followed by a couple of more at The Pumping Station. It was almost sad that we were at the PS at 9:30 on a Tuesday night.

But over dinner, we started talking about guys, no one in particular, but just the guys in our pasts and presents -- what did or didn't work with in the relationships/affairs/flings, what was wrong with the guys, what was wrong with us.

For example, in our experience, why does a guy who looks good on paper - attractive, smart, good job, mentally stable, a perfect match in every way -- ignites no sexual chemistry? Or why do fuckbuddies remain only fuckbuddies and never graduate to boyfriends or husbands? What keeps an OIF (occasional intimate friend) from becoming man of your dreams?

I had told Hotass a while ago that I believe that every man is either fuckable, dateable or marryable. Usually he's only one. Sometimes he scores at least two of them, but if he's special, he scores on all three, and you've got a match on your hands.

Now of course it's hard to tell, based on appearance alone, if the guy standing at the bar is anything more than fuckable. But after a date or encounter, when you feel like you know him a little better, you subconsciously evaluate the guy to determine the next step - where does he fall in the FDM rating system?

Fuckable - would you have sex with him?

Dateable - we debated this point for a while, deciding what the criteria was for making someone dateable. We eventually agreed that dateable is determined by what you have in common, and basically if you enjoy his company outside the bedroom.

Marryable - is this guy the settling-down kind? Can you see yourself in a long-term relationship with him?

Somewhere in the middle of the third pint, we referred to someone we both know to illustrate our point.

Let's call him JD. Is he fuckable? Definitely. We'd both been there at separate times, and agreed that we would return if the opportunity presented itself. Is he dateable? Eh, maybe. He's a friendly guy, and might make for an enjoyable date or two. But after that, we didn't have much in common with him, and soon the well of things to talk about would run dry. Is he marryable? Probably not. He has a handful of children that live with him. He's definitely stable, but the idea of marrying into a ready-made family didn't intrigue either of us.

By the time we got to the Pumping Station, we had acknowledged the system has a couple of flaws. There were a few exceptions to the rule, such as the guys who scored three yes's on the FDM scale, but still it never progressed the way we wanted. That's when we introduced the Reality Factor.

He's perfect in every way - the sex is great, you like spending time with him, and you can almost see yourself watering roses behind a white-picket fence while he writes the check for the shared mortgage on the front porch swing. The reality is that he lives six hours away, or he's not ready for the mortgage, or he's got a hairy mole on his back that you just can't quite stop thinking about. The Reality Factor puts FDM in perspective.

Then it got complicated. Detailed calculations on cocktail napkins. Formulas, averages and fractions. And since neither one of us is a math whiz and had a few by this point, multiplying complex fractions was a serious problem. But the result was a complex scoring system: grade a man on a 10-point scale for fuckabilty, dateability and marryability, add the scores together, divide by the reality factor, and "x" equals the probability of a love connection.

Leaving nothing to chance, by the time we left, we had derived a 10-question quiz to determine the F score, and planned for similar questionnaires to get the D and M scores.

Obviously, we have too much time on our hands. If only we had devoted those brain cells to solving the crisis in the Middle East, or coming up with alternative forms of energy.

But when you bring your spreadsheet and calculator on your next date, you'll thank us.