Something's Missing

There's a song by John Mayer on the Heavier Things album that I'm growing to relate to.

It's called Something's Missing. And that's the way I'm starting to feel about my life. In a rare moment of introspection, life is holding something for me and I haven't quite found it yet.

I've got a great job with plenty of money to keep me semi-happy (check).

And God knows that since I've moved to Memphis, I've got the most wonderful friends (check) a man could ask for.

Living in Memphis is something I've wanted for years (odd, huh?). I always pictured myself living here, and I've got a wonderful apartment (check) that I absolutely adore coming home to.

My social life (check) is something to be envied I guess. There's always an event to attend. My wonderful gaggle of friends keep me busy.

And I'm developing a few hobbies (check) that I've always wanted to try and having much success at it.

So I suppose what is missing is that someone special. And I despise saying that because it sounds so desperate. But I've always known that I have a lot to offer, and I've been sorta-mostly-patient in waiting for Prince Charming to come along. But gimme a break, I'm a Libra - the sign of partnerships and relationships. It's hard for me to feel complete without that significant other in my life.

So in the words of Charlotte from Sex and the City... I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted. Where is he?

And it frustrates me to see these gay men in their 40s and 50s and they're still unpartnered. It doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Don't I deserve to be supremely happy? And don't me get me wrong...a lot of the fault lies with me. I'm critical. I'm shallow. I'm superficial when it comes to men. But for the right man, I can overcome that. I hope.

So there is that part of me that wonders what I'm doing wrong. That Mr. Right hasn't materialized yet. And then there is the trusting part of me that says it's not the right time yet. But good heavens...I'm getting impatient. I'd like to think I've paid my dues in a number of unfulfilling relationships, and Mr. Right is just around the corner. So I feel guilty when I don't go out on Friday night (what if I miss him?), or when I don't sign online (what if he's there?).

Gah! It's more complicated than I care to ponder.

So I'm throwing it out there. I'm telling the universe what I want. I want a partner to share my life with, in the truest since of sharing. Someone who is smart and funny and compassionate and deeply sexual. Someone with whom the chemistry is undeniable. Someone who can kiss like there is no tomorrow. Someone independent. Someone who doesn't mind making decisons when I can't. Someone with baggage that weighs less than mine, and willing to help me leave my baggage at the terminal. Someone patient with me and my neuroses. Someone to whom my friends would give their seal of approval. Someone with a zest of life, who is excited by the possibilities that each day brings and can inspire me to do the same.

So now that I've given the universe my order, do I pull around to the second window?