A Bang-Up Weekend

Normally getting smashed involves copious amounts of alcohol. But that wasn't the case Friday afternoon, when a beige Mercedes ran a red light and started my weekend with a bang.

Truvy the CR-V wasn't driveable, so she spent the weekend in a tow lot, and I spent the weekend being picked up and dropped off by Hotass, until I could get a rental car today, a super-stylish and ultra-fashionable Toyota Corolla.

Aside from the inconvenience of not having a car and being pissed off because I had just filled up with gas ($40 wasted) and given Truvy her first bath of summer, it was a good weekend.

Most of the Gaggle had gone to more tropical, or at least sexier, settings: JonJon, Sweet Wade, Dusty and Bobo went to Pensacola. Tman went to IML in Chicago. The Chef and the Artist flew out Sunday morning for a week in Key West.

Hotass' "friend" from Birmingham, who the Gaggle has named BamaNut, and his best friend came to town Saturday. We had lunch at Huey's and then the four of us met the Dynamic Duo for an X-men matinee and Central BBQ before they went home to finish packing and haggle with the airline for changing their flight. Our schedules revolve around our feeding times.

After a early evening nap, the four of us started at the Pumping Station, there only long enough to have one drink and make an appearance, and then went to Backstreet.

There are a lot of reasons I can't go to Backstreet much. One, the recovery time from dancing til 3 in the morning is not what it used to be. Two, there are popped collars on Polo shirts everywhere, and I hope this is a trend that dies a quick and painful death. Three, I'm scared to death of the stairs after taking a tumble down them once before.

The Sunday morning recovery was just what I had expected: exhausted and a little hungover. And I guess that's why BamaNut asked me if I was always that grumpy on Sunday mornings. We hit a couple of Memorial Day cookouts, but I don't think any of us were quite feeling up to it. By five, I was ready for another nap.

The boys came over later in the evening, armed with pizza and cookies, and we played poker til after midnight.

BamaNut and Chris went back to Birmingham Monday morning, and I spent the day doing laundry and watching a "Flip That House" marathon on TLC with Hotass.

And the weekend ended like it began. BamaNut had just gotten back to Birmingham when a lady ran a red light and ripped off his front bumper.

Hope you had a smashing weekend too.

Let Them Eat Cake

While another season of Desperate Housewives ended, the Gaggle closed a chapter as well.

In case you're curious about who got killed on The Gaggle's season finale, it was the caramel cake from the Commissary.

It wasn't the first cake to disappear from the streets of Memphis in the past year and a half. There was an angel-food cake in the shape of a sand castle. Half of a German-chocolate cake. I distinctly remember a half-dozen birthday cakes, a couple of gallons of ice cream, and easily two trifles.

But Sunday night's caramel cake wasn't just killed. It was slaughtered. Perhaps some of the worst carnage we've ever left in our path.

At least the going-away cake on Friday was given the dignity of being sliced and served.

T-man has taken a job in Austin, and in true Gaggle fashion, we threw him a cowboy sendoff. Complete with hay bales, margarita punch, a beer keg, a cowboy cake and linedancing lessons. I really wanted pony rides and a mechanical bull too, but that never came to pass.

Not only did we wish "happy trails" to a good and always-hospitable friend, but it was a good-bye to the house, the site of many Gaggle gatherings and pool parties. And we definitely haven't had enough warm days in Memphis yet this year to warrant jumping in the pool.
On Sunday, we gathered for the last time in the Homo-comb Hideout to watch tv, eat and close out a season. With T-man's move West and the selling of the house, we're left with a few cliffhangers.

Can the Gaggle ever replace the irreplaceable T-man? What will happen to poor Hotass now that's he's homeless? Are Skipper & Hotass ready to sign on for another season of Laverne & Shirley? What will happen with Skipper's new job? Will the Dynamic Duo give up Memphis for the Conch Republic? Where did that Dale Evans-wannabe-in-the-powder-blue-cowboy-hat get her outfit?

And more importantly, given their appetite for cake, will the Gaggle let Jenny Craig join the group?

Fortunately, no one has to wonder through a summer hiatus.

Say Good Night, Grace

I actually missed the series finale of Will & Grace. And I shouldn't have; I should have been there in that Manhattan apartment. But instead, I was standing in line at Wal-Mart to pay for a six pack and a 30-piece Western playset, complete with cowboys, Indians and a covered wagon, but that's another story.

Earlier today, Hotass and I talked about watching it, since we were there in the beginning, taping every single episode. But we both agreed that we had lost touch with Will, Grace, Jack and Karen over the years, and if we felt the need to get caught up, we could pick up the DVD tomorrow.

About the time that Will and Grace debuted, I met my Grace, an always-nutty, frequently-impractical, sometimes redhead expertly played against my always-practical, frequently-cynical, and only-once-platinum blonde Will. And we had standing Thursday night dates to drink gallons of wine and watch our imagined lives played out.

She is the only person in the world who, in a game of Password, will respond to "jaunty" with "scarf." She knows why me being terribly effusive for cheese bread is funny. She's witnessed drunken emotional purges on stormy North Carolina beaches. I know that on vacations she doesn't want to go to historic landmarks, because it's just someplace where stuff used to happen.

But the show jumped the shark at some point. Maybe when Will and Grace decided to have a baby. Maybe our lives didn't closely resemble what we saw anymore. Or maybe our lives just got too complicated for TV. Whatever the reason, we lost interest.

I hadn't watched since Karen scattered Stan's ashes from the boat. So I didn't feel so guilty about missing the final episode.

When I got home from Wal-Mart, I had this e-mail from Grace.

Tonight is it. The last night we'll be together, me with my flaming red hair, cooky wardrobe and curiously large baby belly, with a dork of an exhusband who looks remarkably like that jazz singer. You with your quips, smarts, savvy wardrobe and expensive shoes. Your plethora of hair care items will sit alone in the bathroom that the rest of the world has only seen once. I'm sorry to have had relations with your older brother, even though Sam was a hottie. I'm sorry we fought and had to make up in a vomit-soaked inflated castle at a child's birthday party. I'll always remember our talks, our jaunts, our watching gay porn until the wee hours of the morning; our shared coffee with the loudmouth, brash drunk, and the loudmouth brash actor/dancer/nurse/tvexec/host. You are my friend, my love, my split apart, my psychic word game partner, my right arm, the right side of my brain and my rock. I'll always love you.

Now I feel guilty about missing it, but Grace, I'll see you July 1.

Living on the Fault Line

"The probability of magnitude 6.0 or greater in the near future is considered significant; a 90% chance of such an earthquake by the year 2040 has been given."

Within the next 34 years, assuming I still live in Memphis, I have a 90 percent chance of being caught in a devastating earthquake. Surprisingly, my chances of being shot on Sam Cooper Boulevard or in Orange Mound are considerably less.

The Big One could happen tomorrow. And it's not like a tornado-spawning thunderstorm or a hurricane; you can't tune in to The Weather Channel and find out it's headed right for you. All you can do is duck and cover when the floor starts to wobble.

It's not like we live in fear, but everyone knows we're living on shaky ground.

Almost everyone I know seems to be experiencing their own personal little earthquakes. It seems like the tremors have already started. Just strange little signs and major life changes.

Tuesday morning, after the receptionist at work greeted me with a good morning, she asked if I felt like there was some weird vibe in the air.

"Everyone seems so on edge, and I don't like it."

I agreed with her.

The Gay Questionnaire

I saw this on Spider's blog, and thought I'd play along too.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay? Probably around 11 or 12 is when it first dawned on me. About the time puberty struck, and I realized I was only jerking off to the guys in the Hustler magazines.

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex? Not intercourse

3. Who was the first person you came out to? My best girl friend in high school - Kym Bilbrey. After I went to college, she heard a few rumors in the hometown, and she suspected that I was guilty by association. So I lied and came out as a bisexual. The faster the questions came about that, the harder it became to keep up with the lies. So I went ahead and told her I was gay

4. Are you out to your family? Nope

5. Do you want children? Probably not

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? As friends go, I have definitely more of the gay persuasion

7. Were you out in school? Definitely not in high school, and not for the first few years in college. I had just started inching out of the closet when I graduated.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you? Yes

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them? No

10. Have you ever done crystal meth? No

11. Have you ever been in a sling? Alas, no.

12. Have you ever done a 3-way? Um, yeah.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag? Do your homework.

14. Would you date a drag queen? Probably not again.

15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile? I'm about 20:80 on the top:bottom ratio. And according to the Gaggle, the real lyrics to Pink's song are, "God is a DJ. James is a bottom." It's kind of hard to deny that kind of poetry.

16. Have you seen an uncircumcised penis? My first one was uncircumsised.

17. Have you had sex with someone of a different ethnicity? Yes.

18. Have you ever barebacked? Yes

19. How many Cher CDs do you own? Three - Believe, Cher's Greatest Hits, and The Very Best of Cher. And I also have her picture stuck in the passenger side visor mirror.

20. Name of your first love? Johnai Einert

21. Do you still talk to them? Nope.

22. Does size matter? As Clinton and Stacy say on What Not to Wear, it's not about the size. It's about the fit.

23. Biggest turn on? Goatees, hairy chests, young cubbish guys with neat beards, jockstraps, beefy arms

24. Biggest turn off? Pretense. Materialism. Bushy balls.

25. Ever been harassed due to you orientation? Yeah

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you? Likes dance music and showtunes. Idolizes Diana Ross and Madonna. Dreams about Martha Stewart.

27. Ever been to a pride rally? Yes.

28. Would you marry if you could? Yes.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? Rich and smart.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows? My fear is I'd end up looking like Liza Minelli.

31. Do you trim your body hair? Nope. I gave it all up years ago, except the manscaping on the south lawn.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? In a 24-hour period, yes.

33. Ever been to an orgy? Yep.

34. Have you dated your best friends ex? An ex-boyfriend? No. An ex-trick or ex-affair? Yes.

35. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president? Depends on what the options are.

36. Do you want monogamy in your relationships? I think I do.

37. Do you believe in true love? Absolutely.

38. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, look right there above the crack of my ass.

39. Do you have any piercings? I was a total dork in 1991, and I got my ear pierced at the jewelry counter at Wal-Mart. And I did it because everyone else did it. I haven't worn an earring in it a long time and it's grown up mostly. There is still a hole in my left ear I see every morning to remind me.

40. Would you date a smoker? Yes.

41. Do you get HIV tests every 6 months? At least once a year.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.? Not really.

43. Do you know what Stonewall was? Yes.

44. Strangest place you have had sex? In the middle of a lake suspended by foam noodles.

45. Strangest place you've woken up? Under a pine tree.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you? Please God, let them be in front of me.

47. Favorite porn movie? Men's Room: Gale Force - Titan

48. Are you in love now? No

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl? Yes.

50. Did you ever have sex with them? No

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house? Yes

53. Ever had sex in public? Yes

54. Have you ever been/stayed in a relationship for Money or Security, instead of Love and Friendship? Hell no

55. Have you ever keyed someone's car? I think maybe I did, but I distinctly spraying the doorhandle with copious amounts of pepper spray.

56. Have you ever fantasized killing someone not famous? Yep

57. Have you ever witnessed someone dying? No

58. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes

59. Are you glad you're still here? Absolutely. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.