The View from Here

"You didn't tell me you were a visual cripple."

That's what my eye doctor said to me today.

The truth is I've always been a visual cripple. I've had bad eyesight since the day I was born. I've had glasses since I was 2 1/2 years old. How you keep glasses on a toddler is beyond the realm of my comprehension. I'm terribly near-sighted and even have a little bit of a lazy eye. I can't see three feet from my face without glasses. So my identity has always been associated with my glasses. They are as much as part of my face as your eyes and nose.

Dr. V was kidding. I'm not ready to be set up with a seeing-eye dog. At least not yet. And even when my right eye started turning toward my nose, I still wasn't eligible for a handicapped space at Target, even though Hotass thought I might be since I was wearing the recently-dilated wrap-around sunglasses.

Today was my first eye exam since I moved to Memphis. And, honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The glasses I got four years ago are still fashionable (they just happen to be warped, bent and the hinges are loose as hell) and, according to Dr. V., my scrip hasn't changed much, but here's what I learned about my vision today:

First, my depth perception is a little off. While most people have the luxury of detecting distances with both eyes at the same time, I do not. I compensate by rapidly switching from one eye to the other. It's not a big problem, Dr. V. assures me. However, he thinks I have probably been missing something with 3D movies. Because I obviously see a lot of 3D movies.

Second, I have a mild color detection defect. I've seen more and more evidence that I might be a bit color blind, especially with trying to help the Artist pick out colors for their remodel. Dr. V again assures me it isn't a big deal, that I only have trouble with shades of green, brown and red. But come on. It is a big deal if I think I'm wearing brown pants and the rest of world sees green.

The good news is that glasses have come a long way since the ones I picked out my sophomore year in college -- the ones with blue frames and lenses the size of dinner plates. In 1992, they were fashionable. Looking at the pictures from 1992, it's painful.

I'm excited about the ones I picked out today. I've not been this excited about a new pair of glasses in a long time. So stay tuned...

Booger Drag

So Jennifer tells me that she is bored with Britney and wants to know why I hadn't blogged since the 17th of February. Honestly, there hasn't been much to blog about. I've had a pretty boring routine.

However, since nothing spices things up around the house like a good drag queen, here ya go.

Who are those booger girls? Well, you see, the first Halloween that Hotass and I shared an apartment (the one we call the Villa on the Hilla) back in 1995, we decided to throw a gender-bender party. It was nothing more than an excuse for two gay boys to put on lipstick, but nonetheless, we thought we did a good job, given the limited knowledge and resources we had at our disposal.

So the girl with the lazy eye on the left, that's Nikki Chablis. She fancied herself as a modern-day Mata Hari, defecting from behind the Iron Curtain with Soviet secrets and fashion tips. But she looked more like she got tangled up in the curtain and took a terrible spill off the Berlin Wall.

The blushing bride on the right? That's Miss Havisham. Always a bridesmaid and never a bride until Halloween. That dress was so rotten, we feared for her life everytime she came near an open flame (and there was lots of flaming that night). Like poor Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, we expected her to catch on fire and run screaming from room to room. And never once spilling a drop of her cocktail.

And that big ol' mess in the middle? Well, she was trying to be Eddie from Absolutely Fabulous (she claimed that was "LaCroix, sweetie, LaCroix," around her neck, but we all knew it was thrift store). In the end, I think she just turned out looking like Bea Arthur's Maude.

So, Jennifer, is this better than Britney?